Also.

Sorry for the lack of posting! My VPN, which allows me to get on Blogger, hasn't been working. Also, I won't be back for a week because I'm going to HAINAN.

Check it out on Google. 

It's incred.

PEACE

The Tale... of Victor.

Shelby and I wanted to plan a little excursion to Qingdao, but we're tired of being dependent on the school which has been an absolute trial to work with. So Shelby employed some of her magical smiling qualities to get the teacher that is helping her in the primary school to show us how to get to Weifang (where the train station is) without having the school drive us there. AKA a long distance bus. 

Oh thanks, Victor.

BUT WAIT! You've met him before! Doo youuuu remember?!?! Victor is the teacher who must have learned English from an exceedingly feminine French man and stopped us by the side of the road one night to talk to us.

Victor truly is a sweetheart, though. He was more than happy to show us where the bus stop is.

Or should I say, to show Shelby where the bus stop is!

Consider this hypothetical situation for a moment here. You and your friend are tied to the hip. So much so, in fact, that when your BFF finds a beau to form a symbiotic relationship with--the teenage hormones rampantly reminding you of every awkward junior high dance you've ever attended--and she asks you to come hang out with the two of them, you can't refuse. 

Now obviously, Shelby is not attracted to Victor in any way. But he has his 28-year-old celebrity crush on Shelby. I, however, didn't know these feelings existed until we hopped down the 10th flight of stairs and opened the door at the of the hallway.

Lights on. Shelby and Marissa exit the building. Victor turns melodramatically--the kind of turn that would perhaps be in a choreographed Justin Bieber concert, but the audience keeps Justin Bieber in mind because he will be important later in the story.

Victor: HEeeellllloOOOOOoooo Shellllbbyyy!!! 

He nods to Marissa.

Victor is wearing a promiscuous v-neck with man cleavage all the way down his sternum. Once again, his hipster pants are much too tight and accent his bizarrely proportioned body.

Shelby: Hi, Victor.

Marissa: (already understanding the vibes, and at this point much too excited about how incredible this evening is about to be)....HELLLO VICTOR! 

Victor: I will walk you now, to the bus! Les go? (Chinese people ALWAYS say that. Especially in question form. Les go?) Ohhhhh no, I have brought my BIKE! Victor proceeds to slurp up the excess spit pooling in his mouth as he speaks, then throws his hands up in the air like a poorly dramatized play, and laughs excessively loud.

Marissa: (asterisks signify thoughts) *Incredible. Absolutely incredible.*

The three begin walking. It is soon apparent this is actually a Shelby/Victor date. The walking formation, even, supports this.

Shelby---------Victor

               |

          Marissa

Marissa: *I am such a good third wheel. But wow. I am LITERALLY the third wheel right now. We are in tricycle formation and I am the THIRD WHEEL! If I had a dollar for every time...*

Shelby: *Why is Victor being so creepy? He's so kind for showing us around, but why are we on a date?...*

Victor: *Shelby. Shelby. Shelby. Shelby. Shelby. Shelby. Swallow spit. Shelby. Shelby. Shelby. Shelby. Shelby. Did I shower today? Shelby. Shelby. Shelby...*

In answer to Victor's silent musings, no, he did shower today. In fact, based on the stench emitting from his person, he probably has not showered in a week or more.

Marissa's thoughts continue to enjoy this situation silently as Victor addresses Shelby to ask questions about herself and about America. 

Marissa: *What is that awful smell? Is it worth it to have such a great view of this incredible situation if I have to walk downwind of Victor? I'm hungry.* Marissa interrupts the riveting conversation. Victor, do you know what hot pot is?

Victor: Ummmmmmmm (he has clearly forgotten that Marissa was there) I do not understand. Maybe I find out later, and tell you?

Shelby: Hot pot is so delicious! It is where there is a pot in the middle of the table, and you put different foods into the pot to cook. We would like to know if there is hot pot in Changyi!

Victor: OH, I WILL FIND OUT NOW. 

Victor proceeds to search on his phone for an understanding of the bizarre concept of 'hot pot.'

~Five minutes later~

Victor: Oh. I do not understand. He dips his chin and looks into Shelby's eyes. I am very sorry.

Marissa: *Okay, am I being punk'd? COME ON. Where's the hidden cameras? This is too good to be true.*

Shelby: That is okay. Let's keep walking to the bus station.

A few minutes pass. Victor pulls out his phone.

Victor: May I show you, American song? I sink it VERY beautiful.

Marissa and Shelby: OH YES!

Victor then plays an unfamiliar English song.

Victor: Do you know it?!

Mmmmmnope.

Victor: It is very beautiful. Victor begins to sing the song, at the top of his lungs. Is it really happening? Is this real life? The two girls question their reality. What a fortunately incredible situation.

Victor continues to sing. 

Every time the wheel turns on Victor's bike, it groans uncomfortably loud. Every time Shelby speaks, Victor groans uncomfortably loud--IN DELIGHT.

After what seems to be an eternity, the tricycle finally reach the bus station. Convinced she knows how to properly navigate the way there, Marissa suggests they go to Jia le Jia (grocery store) to get some food, as her stomach is hungry enough to devour her pleasant attitude.

Victor: OH, I am freeeee tonight. I can go wis YOU!

Marissa: *I'm still here. And I just want foods in my tummy.*

Shelby: Um, okay!

The three walk into Jia le Jia. Victor allows Shelby to sample delicious breads. Our hands full with giant water bottles and a beautiful thing of coconut bread and a couple dumplings, we begin to walk out of the store. Many, many, many more hilariously uncomfortable moments happen and it comes to a point where Marissa, despite her unhappy tummy, is giggling ferociously and consistently in her head.

The tricycle rides again.

Marissa: Is that... JUSTIN BIEBER?!

Shelby: OHhhh ho ho yes it IS!

A store is playing Justin Bieber outside. 

Marissa: Dance party. Now.

Shelby: We're American. We can make it happen. 

Bieber, Marissa, Shelby: BABY, BABY, BABY OHHHHH LIKE BABY, BABY, BABY OHHHHHHHHHHHH

Victor: (giggling uncontrollably with obvious glee): Zees is popular song in America?! YES I KNOW! BABY BABY BABY BABY--oh, I mess up. I take picture?!

Shelby and Marissa strike a pose.

Victor: Do you dance often?

Shelby: I don't dance, but Marissa is very good at dancing! I just dance for fun.

Victor: Where do you dance? Obviously speaking to Shelby

Shelby: Umm, (laughs) in my apartment?

Victor: I would very much like to see you dance...

Marissa and Shelby: ........................................

Marissa: *But why isn't this being filmed?*

Shelby: Um, probably not!

Victor: I like to dance. I am very good at dancing.

...................................

Victor: Can I... whisper a song to you?

Shelby: What???

Victor: I am very good at whispering songs. Very. Good. May I whisper a song to you?

Shelby: Ohhhh ho ho. AbsoLUTELY you can.

Marissa: Incredible.

Victor then proceeds to whistle a Chinese song. For five minutes. Marissa and Shelby are delighted. The bike continues to groan. 

Victor: I very much like English. In the university, I like my teacher very much. He is the teacher I am most attracted to.

At this point, Marissa is more grateful than ever for the walking formation. Though she does her best to brush off her laughter as coughing, she can't escape the facial contortions resulting from obvious suppressed laughter. But even when she thinks it can't get any better, it does.

Victor: My bike is very loud! Maybe it is....... BROKEN. He laughs like a giddy school boy, then slurps in his excess spit. 

Shelby: Maybe it is not very happy with you!

Victor: It say to me, 'YOU ARE NOT MY MASTER. I AM VERY MAD AT YOU.' Raucous laughter at own joke ensues.

Marissa: Incredible.

The date ends with a very informal non-doorstep scene. Marissa and Shelby, feeling more stoked than ever to be alive, laugh the entire 10 flights to their apartment. 

What an absolute WIN.

The usual, please.

This little boy, though.

He is my favorite part of this entire week. So we visited this restaurant earlier because we walked the two miles to buy train tickets and were famished when we got there, so on the way to the main road, we saw a giant picture menu and knew we had to go.

This is our second time visiting the restaurant. We pointed at the dishes we wanted, and they brought us out a dish with noodles, beef, and leeks, and another with rice, eggs, tomatoes, and peppers. Both were incredible! This little boy was having the time of his life walking up to us, getting shy, and skittering away. The sweet owners then brought out a small plate of pickled seaweed. It was actually pretty good! Then, they brought out some herbal tea. I actually wonder if it was actually soup haha... But it tasted like strong chicken broth with cilantro. THEN they had the little boy bring us a baked sweet potato. Oh my goodness it was delicious! AND THEN, they had him bring us two orange fantas with a bottle opener for each of us. He'd creep up toward the table, nervous about dropping the drinks, set it down, give us an ear-to-ear grin, then run away.

After the delicious meal and being EXTREMELY full having only eaten about half of what they put in front of us, I handed them a 100 RMB bill to see how much extra they were going to charge us. The man gave us back 82.

He charged us 18 for everything. Less than three dollars.

I am so grateful for the amazing friends we've made on the streets. No, we don't speak their language. But we buy flatbread from our bread lady. We buy lotus root and other things from the lady with the kind eyes and she doles us out the same portions we asked for the earlier day and lets us try new things. Our fruit woman always greets us with a huge smile. Just outside our complex, there's a gate with a guard in a small building. We named him Henry! Every single time we leave, we give Henry a big wave and a big smile, and he returns the favor. And I'm excited to visit our restaurant at least once a week so we can do them a service by being loyal customers.

I guess you can say we've become regulars :)

It's a Cal Ranch sort of day.

I spent the morning listening to country music and then I found this incredible photo taken at the Cal Ranch store where Dan's, Dick's, and who-knows-what-else used to be. I think I was meant to be a southern belle. Which is a bit presumptuous, but I really do have this bizarre fascination with all things country. Plus, isn't Miles lookin' like a flipping stud in this picture? He looks like he could be on the next Hannah Montana movie. Sorry girls, he's already vowed that he'll forever live in my basement playing college football.

Or he'll just forever be my BFF. HI MILES HI!!! Oh, too bad you don't even care enough to read this. Grandma Rives will probably call you and chew you out now. Ha! Love you!

My Greatest Accomplishments.

1. Learning the Elvish alphabet. I'm obsessed.
2. I CAN CORN ROW HAIR?! It only took me two hours :)

Holllllllllaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the street vendor was selling it on the other side.

I literally think I'm hilarious. I'll take that courtesy chuckle right to the bank, thank you very much. My picture uploader started working finally, so here's a million and a half pictures to prove that I have, in fact, actually been in China. Spoiler alert: I'm really not living in our unfinished basement pretending to be on the other side of the world.

This is Clement, our tour guide. AKA JACKIE CHAN!!! "If I die young, bury me in Clement's backyard." ~Shelby

Just me and my BFF Jon out for a cruise around Beijing! Literally so legit.

Part of our cruisin'. I'm obsessed with the fact that we rented scooters.

Yes. That is our washer. And I'm sitting on the dryer like a creep. But only because sometimes it gets a little bit...frisky? SO WHAT IF I LOOK LIKE I LIVE IN A PRISON.

Pooptown school! Just to clarify something--the name Pooptown isn't derogatory in any way. I love Pooptown! It's a term of endearment. It just smells abnormally of poop, even for China.

This would be urban Changyi. Just the 24 hour KFC on the right. Why do they obsess over KFC, of ALL things?

THIS IS THE TOBAGGAN FROM THE GREAT WALL! I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL TOBAGGAN BUT I SURE DID LOVE IT!

Just doing cartwheels on the bridge at the Bund in Shanghai. Yes, ALL Americans act like this. Haha. The Chinese people in the background. Classic.

This is our polyga-crew, minus Maddy and McCall. Hadlee, Jon, Shelby, me, Jess, Blythe. LOVE THEM!!!

"Destroying the ecosystem would FINALLY threaten the living of humans."

Most depressed Rafiki I've ever met. :/ But we were friends.

"Do not harm the animals due to the evil is little."

Just riding the ferris wheel at the zoo. Abnormally expensive, but it had to be done.

Bridges. So many delicious bridges.

I just intend to cartwheel all over this country.

I. LOVE. PANDAS. 

GIT THAT CORN OUT OF MY FACE! Plot twist: it's actually panda poops :///

I rode him. Please refer to Facebook for evidence. Thanks Miles, for uploading them! Don't be surprised  that he reads this. Because he actually doesn't. So.

Just our daily stroll through the park to the market to buy lunch!

Never Been More Thrilled

Soooo the teaching situation. Well I just stopped coming when they asked me. Turns out, Shelby got to start teaching on Thursday in the primary school so I rightfully think, hey, I probably start teaching today too! I get ready for the first time in years, literal years, although I honestly didn't get ready; but I looked relatively presentable in an effort to perhaps butter them up into giving me some classes.

After about an hour of trophying (it's become a straight up verb now, the way I sit in an office simply WAITING), they finally attempt to give me a schedule. Oh, wrong schedule? Another hour of trophying passes. FINALLY, I have a schedule.

I start teaching on Monday.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

You need, come to school this afternoon and tomorrow for familiarize yourself with school.

Um, no way, English teacher who doesn't speak English.

I was actually getting sick, so I blamed the fact that I would not come to the school on an illness. I'm not gonna trophy myself for six hours a day when I've already spent about 15 hours familiarizing myself with the students and some junior high dance concert choreography. I went home and spent the next four days being legitimately sick with a sore throat, fever, cough, the works. So that was fun (spoiler alert: but it wasn't).

Monday rolls around. I get ALL ready again (comparatively?) and head over to the school for my 8:05 class. I sit in the office for fifteen minutes. The clock ticks on. OH sorry. You don't teach first hour because the students are coming back from break over the weekend. Okay, so, when do I teach? Second hour. Okay. 

Spongebob narrator voice: One hour laterrrr.

Okay, I show you your class room?

We go to the classroom and I am sooo stoked. I finally get to start teaching these kids who I've grown to love even though I don't know a thing about them. I open up my picture slideshow and start talking. Things are going really well! I get through some dance pictures and then some travel pictures and then ----

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Who should it be, but the administrative head teacher from the floor above?

The English teacher rushes out of the classroom to go speak with him.

She comes back in and grabs my arm and says, You don't teach this class anymore. We go now.

WAAATTT???

There's no way in heck I'm skipping out on your whim. But I have to, apparently. So I squeeze in about 7 more pictures out of spite until she shoos me out of the classroom. You are kiddin' ME. I LOOKED LIKE A FOOOOL OUT THERE.

We go back to the trophy showcase and I demand an explanation from the woman who teaches Chines-ish instead of English, or even Engrish. As expected, she sits me in a chair and tells me to wait while the other teachers unabashedly check me out for fifteen minutes. 

Continuing.

She tells me that I might teach the next period. But I might not. But I might teach in the afternoon. But I might not.

Woman. Which. Is. It. I tell her I need to know EXACTLY when I teach.

One hour laterrrr.

Oh, I talk to head teacher he say you have no class this week.

This.... week?

Yes, no class entire week. You teach maybe Monday.

Here's the deal. I can't say I've ever lost my temper in my entire life. I brush things off pretty darn easy. So when I say I was livid, it doesn't mean I had steam fuming from my ears and was throwing a tantrum like a two-year old. But it does mean that I walked home from that school thinking way-too-many swearwords paired with some hypothetical/very un-Christlike scenarios.

Given fifteen minutes sitting on my couch staring at the wall, though, I was over it. I complained to my parentals for a solid hour, but I mean, I've come to accept the fact that they simply won't tell me anything. And that they'll probably never have me teach. It's almost hilarious, really. It does kind of suck because I can't really leave the apartment alone because I'm a girl and I'm not entirely sure my keychain pepper spray would work on Asians, and also Shelby's in the apartment and our city is big enough/small enough that it's not safe to go out after dark, but I'm finding things to do. I actually learned the Elvish alphabet last night, which was probably the most exciting accomplishment of the nineteen years I've been on this earth. 

Yeah, I probably sent this to most of you already. I've just never been more thrilled. Just my name in Elvish.

Our shower is such a tease. We had hot water for a total of five minutes. When Shelby's out of the shower we're heading out to go get some lunch! Oh the food here. Oh the fact that I'm actually losing weight, despite the fact that the food's amazing. Never been more thrilled, like I said.