Shelby and I wanted to plan a little excursion to Qingdao, but we're tired of being dependent on the school which has been an absolute trial to work with. So Shelby employed some of her magical smiling qualities to get the teacher that is helping her in the primary school to show us how to get to Weifang (where the train station is) without having the school drive us there. AKA a long distance bus.
Oh thanks, Victor.
BUT WAIT! You've met him before! Doo youuuu remember?!?! Victor is the teacher who must have learned English from an exceedingly feminine French man and stopped us by the side of the road one night to talk to us.
Victor truly is a sweetheart, though. He was more than happy to show us where the bus stop is.
Or should I say, to show Shelby where the bus stop is!
Consider this hypothetical situation for a moment here. You and your friend are tied to the hip. So much so, in fact, that when your BFF finds a beau to form a symbiotic relationship with--the teenage hormones rampantly reminding you of every awkward junior high dance you've ever attended--and she asks you to come hang out with the two of them, you can't refuse.
Now obviously, Shelby is not attracted to Victor in any way. But he has his 28-year-old celebrity crush on Shelby. I, however, didn't know these feelings existed until we hopped down the 10th flight of stairs and opened the door at the of the hallway.
Lights on. Shelby and Marissa exit the building. Victor turns melodramatically--the kind of turn that would perhaps be in a choreographed Justin Bieber concert, but the audience keeps Justin Bieber in mind because he will be important later in the story.
Victor: HEeeellllloOOOOOoooo Shellllbbyyy!!!
He nods to Marissa.
Victor is wearing a promiscuous v-neck with man cleavage all the way down his sternum. Once again, his hipster pants are much too tight and accent his bizarrely proportioned body.
Shelby: Hi, Victor.
Marissa: (already understanding the vibes, and at this point much too excited about how incredible this evening is about to be)....HELLLO VICTOR!
Victor: I will walk you now, to the bus! Les go? (Chinese people ALWAYS say that. Especially in question form. Les go?) Ohhhhh no, I have brought my BIKE! Victor proceeds to slurp up the excess spit pooling in his mouth as he speaks, then throws his hands up in the air like a poorly dramatized play, and laughs excessively loud.
Marissa: (asterisks signify thoughts) *Incredible. Absolutely incredible.*
The three begin walking. It is soon apparent this is actually a Shelby/Victor date. The walking formation, even, supports this.
Shelby---------Victor
|
Marissa
Marissa: *I am such a good third wheel. But wow. I am LITERALLY the third wheel right now. We are in tricycle formation and I am the THIRD WHEEL! If I had a dollar for every time...*
Shelby: *Why is Victor being so creepy? He's so kind for showing us around, but why are we on a date?...*
Victor: *Shelby. Shelby. Shelby. Shelby. Shelby. Shelby. Swallow spit. Shelby. Shelby. Shelby. Shelby. Shelby. Did I shower today? Shelby. Shelby. Shelby...*
In answer to Victor's silent musings, no, he did shower today. In fact, based on the stench emitting from his person, he probably has not showered in a week or more.
Marissa's thoughts continue to enjoy this situation silently as Victor addresses Shelby to ask questions about herself and about America.
Marissa: *What is that awful smell? Is it worth it to have such a great view of this incredible situation if I have to walk downwind of Victor? I'm hungry.* Marissa interrupts the riveting conversation. Victor, do you know what hot pot is?
Victor: Ummmmmmmm (he has clearly forgotten that Marissa was there) I do not understand. Maybe I find out later, and tell you?
Shelby: Hot pot is so delicious! It is where there is a pot in the middle of the table, and you put different foods into the pot to cook. We would like to know if there is hot pot in Changyi!
Victor: OH, I WILL FIND OUT NOW.
Victor proceeds to search on his phone for an understanding of the bizarre concept of 'hot pot.'
~Five minutes later~
Victor: Oh. I do not understand. He dips his chin and looks into Shelby's eyes. I am very sorry.
Marissa: *Okay, am I being punk'd? COME ON. Where's the hidden cameras? This is too good to be true.*
Shelby: That is okay. Let's keep walking to the bus station.
A few minutes pass. Victor pulls out his phone.
Victor: May I show you, American song? I sink it VERY beautiful.
Marissa and Shelby: OH YES!
Victor then plays an unfamiliar English song.
Victor: Do you know it?!
Mmmmmnope.
Victor: It is very beautiful. Victor begins to sing the song, at the top of his lungs. Is it really happening? Is this real life? The two girls question their reality. What a fortunately incredible situation.
Victor continues to sing.
Every time the wheel turns on Victor's bike, it groans uncomfortably loud. Every time Shelby speaks, Victor groans uncomfortably loud--IN DELIGHT.
After what seems to be an eternity, the tricycle finally reach the bus station. Convinced she knows how to properly navigate the way there, Marissa suggests they go to Jia le Jia (grocery store) to get some food, as her stomach is hungry enough to devour her pleasant attitude.
Victor: OH, I am freeeee tonight. I can go wis YOU!
Marissa: *I'm still here. And I just want foods in my tummy.*
Shelby: Um, okay!
The three walk into Jia le Jia. Victor allows Shelby to sample delicious breads. Our hands full with giant water bottles and a beautiful thing of coconut bread and a couple dumplings, we begin to walk out of the store. Many, many, many more hilariously uncomfortable moments happen and it comes to a point where Marissa, despite her unhappy tummy, is giggling ferociously and consistently in her head.
The tricycle rides again.
Marissa: Is that... JUSTIN BIEBER?!
Shelby: OHhhh ho ho yes it IS!
A store is playing Justin Bieber outside.
Marissa: Dance party. Now.
Shelby: We're American. We can make it happen.
Bieber, Marissa, Shelby: BABY, BABY, BABY OHHHHH LIKE BABY, BABY, BABY OHHHHHHHHHHHH
Victor: (giggling uncontrollably with obvious glee): Zees is popular song in America?! YES I KNOW! BABY BABY BABY BABY--oh, I mess up. I take picture?!
Shelby and Marissa strike a pose.
Victor: Do you dance often?
Shelby: I don't dance, but Marissa is very good at dancing! I just dance for fun.
Victor: Where do you dance? Obviously speaking to Shelby
Shelby: Umm, (laughs) in my apartment?
Victor: I would very much like to see you dance...
Marissa and Shelby: ..............................
Marissa: *But why isn't this being filmed?*
Shelby: Um, probably not!
Victor: I like to dance. I am very good at dancing.
..............................
Victor: Can I... whisper a song to you?
Shelby: What???
Victor: I am very good at whispering songs. Very. Good. May I whisper a song to you?
Shelby: Ohhhh ho ho. AbsoLUTELY you can.
Marissa: Incredible.
Victor then proceeds to whistle a Chinese song. For five minutes. Marissa and Shelby are delighted. The bike continues to groan.
Victor: I very much like English. In the university, I like my teacher very much. He is the teacher I am most attracted to.
At this point, Marissa is more grateful than ever for the walking formation. Though she does her best to brush off her laughter as coughing, she can't escape the facial contortions resulting from obvious suppressed laughter. But even when she thinks it can't get any better, it does.
Victor: My bike is very loud! Maybe it is....... BROKEN. He laughs like a giddy school boy, then slurps in his excess spit.
Shelby: Maybe it is not very happy with you!
Victor: It say to me, 'YOU ARE NOT MY MASTER. I AM VERY MAD AT YOU.' Raucous laughter at own joke ensues.
Marissa: Incredible.
The date ends with a very informal non-doorstep scene. Marissa and Shelby, feeling more stoked than ever to be alive, laugh the entire 10 flights to their apartment.
What an absolute WIN.
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