CULTURE SHOCKS

So I’m listening to ‘Dueling Banjos’ right now. And my mom thinks that bluegrass is not American. I’ll tell YOU what, it’s about as American as it gets. China has their own version of pop. But they sure as heck don’t have bluegrass and country music! It’s all you need. I will testify of country music till the day I die. I only wish they sold cowboy boots here :/ Mom’s rolling over in her grave. That she just dug and climbed in. I WISH PEOPLE WOULD JUST ACCEPT ME FOR MY MUSIC CHOICES.

 

Here’s some funny things about China I think you’d appreciate. And I’m not sure that I’ve introduced my list fetish to you yet, but gash I sure do love a good list. Mother Theresa (who is not Baptist, or a black woman from the South, Kaytlen) once said, “I sure do love a good list because they are the bomb.com.”

 

I HEAR THAT MAMA T.

 

-          They squat. EVERYWHERE. They squat at breakfast, they squat on the side of the street, they squat at school, they squat to smoke, they squat to take a dump. No, it’s not a wonder that the women here have amazing legs. It’s because they squat like BOSSES.

-          No, they’re really not very tall. I feel like I’m seeing the world from a whole different perspective here. I’m like, taller than most of the women. Which brings me to number three.

-          The women wear heels EVERYWHERE they go. Oh, just a nice little jaunt through the park. Let me wear my HEELS. I was just thinking of hiking the Great Wall, Imma just put on my best HEELS. It’s a true story. HIKING the Great Wall of China in HEEEEEELSSSSSSS. ???

-          There isn’t any carpet anywhere. So, Kelsee Ann? Appreciate carpet while you can. Also the mops are downright filthy. They just spread the dirt around (and to my Cherry Hill peeps, share a hearty LOL with me with our inside joke about mops).

-          The beds are the equivalent of a wooden board elevated off the ground with an inch thick rock hard mattress and a blanket on top. It’s incredible. And surprisingly comfortable now. Then again, I can sleep just. About. Anywhere.

-          The men smoke ALLLLLLL the time. And also it smells like crap. And I mean that literally. It LITERALLY smells like crap. Because there’s crap all over the streets. I MEAN THAT LITERALLY TOO. So we love living in Crapsmoke Town. It’s incredible.

-          They never have any cleavage. Like they mini-skirt it like crazy and the men usually have about a foot of open shirt, but the women never have low-cut shirts. Which is kind of nice!

-          They drink tea almost as much as they drink hot water. They won’t drink cold water, just hot. Plain, hot water.

-          EVERYTHING IS TACKY

-          Tai Chi in the parks in the morning and all throughout the day is REAL!!

-          They’re all so thin because they eat a lot to keep their metabolisms going and they are also sooo active! Any of their parks aren’t for sitting. They have recreational equipment to work out. At the park the other day I saw a grandma doing pull ups on a tree branch. They walk or bike everywhere also!

-          Lines do not exist. Like I feel perfectly comfortable pushing elderly people out of the way (in a nice way) to get onto a bus. Because they can get nasty! And it’s not like a space will open up for you to get anywhere. It’s either push to progress or end up missing important buses.

-          The men are extremely lazy. As far as I can tell, they just squat on the side of the street half-clothed and just check you out as you walk by. Or they’re walking around with their shirt pulled up like a man-sports-bra with their hands on their bellies, hacking(hawking?) loogies.

-          They will stare you down and won’t look away, even if you make eye contact, until you say something. Then they get embarrassed. YES, I KNOW YOU’RE STARING AT ME. COULD YOU PLEASE STOP. YES, MY EYES ARE BIG (ten little girls told me that about fourteen times yesterday, and about four others on four different occasions) AND I HAVE LIGHT AND LONG HAIR. NO NEED TO STARE. But they do. One time Shelby and I were pageant winners with sashes and greeted everyone as they came into the school (it was nothing short of awful), and I counted nineteen people who stared so long they tripped over something in front of them. And it’s not like, I’m such a stunner people trip over things. It’s like, wow, look at that thing.

-          They are VERY respectful.

-          They don’t take compliments. When you say thank you, or compliment them, they say, oh it’s nothing or that’s not true. That’s just how it works! Oh, your child is very beautiful! Oh, no, she’s really not. That’s their way of saying thank you? Mom and Dad please don’t adopt that in America…

-          People dig through the trash to make sure they recycle. They save/re-use everything. Like their outfits, for one thing. Incredible.

-          They are very good at making you wait. If I had a dollar for every hour I’ve aimlessly waited for something at the school, I’d have at least eleven dollars. They shuffle us to a room, tell us to sit, and three hours later they move us somewhere else. But when it comes to public transportation, there is NO waiting. Trains leave ON THE DOT.

-          The students are trained to do exactly what the teacher says. It’s like they lose their vigor to learn and the enjoyment in everything. They wait for the teacher to tell them what to do, then they do it. The creativity is stifled.

-          They are so giving. They just keep giving, then wave it off as nothing. It’s very refreshing to be in such a selfless culture.

-          Everything is dirty. And not even like, messy dirty. Dirty dirty. You just learn to get over it.

-          The food is amazing. And there aren’t any preservatives in it, which is absolutely lovely. I’ve never felt healthier.

-          They smile SO much! And they smile with their whole face.

-          Driving is terrifying. It’s a bit like Mario Kart, but with oncoming traffic. They just kinda go for it with a friendly honk to make sure people know they’re coming. I’ve always wanted to take Mario Kart to the next level. Mushroom Cup, Special Cup, Reverse Cup, CHINA CUP. OF HOT WATER YOU HAVE TO DRINK.

-          I poop fifteen minutes after every meal. It’s amazing.

-          NO, it’s NOT cloudy today. It’s POLLUTION. Noobs.

-          When they don’t understand you, they just nod their heads at you and smile. When they understand you, they just nod their heads at you and smile.

-          You can literally say whatever you want because they don’t understand you 90% of the time. If you talk quickly and use primarily slang words, code words, or large words, there’s no chance in heck they’re gonna know what you’re saying. Example: Dude, our driver is such an aesthetically pleasing Asian. Boyfriend. IF YOU WERE MY B.F. CHANG I’D NEVER LET YOU GO you hottie face lolz. Actual conversation. BOYFRIEND! Shelby and I straight up talk about people around us because no matter what you say with a smile, they just smile at you or completely ignore you. LIKE WHEN YOU SIT AROUND FOR THREE HOURS WAITING TO BE RELOCATED. EVERY SINGLE DAY. So if you see on FB that I listened to J. Biebs, it’s because we dance party to Boyfriend all the time because we sing it more than anyone ever should.

-          When you suck up to people that creep hard on you, they give you fried eggs at dinner. Thx VP. NOW ALL WE WANT TO DO IS TEACH SOME CHILDREN SOME THINGZZZ. They still haven’t given us classes. Today they made me stand and talk to a class so they could film me. Thirty seconds later, they made me go up to the sixth floor for a half hour. Then they brought me to the second floor for an hour. I hate. :/

-          The adorable kids are making me baby hungry. And I’m not even dating anyone. Heck, I don’t even have prospects for dating anyone. I JUST WANT AN ASIAN BABY FOREVER.

-          People point with their middle fingers. Hahaaahahaaha.

 

Dude. We bought gum at the supermarket. I just put it in my mouth and I’ve never been so happy. Gum is a nice thing. I’m craving pizza and also German pancakes. Which neither are technically American, but COUNTRY MUSIC IS!

 

Do svidanya, Anya.