I had to look up 'fraught' before I used it in a post

Last night was a night fraught with existential realism, if such a thing exists. We did go to the park, which was beautiful (and at this point if my beautiful assistant Kelsi would post those pictures I sent her, that would be ideal...check).

 

Last night was a night fraught with existential realism, if such a thing exists. We did go to the park, which was beautiful (and at this point if my beautiful assistant Kelsi would post those pictures I sent her, that would be ideal).

And June took us to dinner and paid for it, the bum.

We got back though, tired from walking around for three hours, and crashed. I emailed a few people back (HI DAKOTA, HI KIRA) and then just got to thinking about life. I actually climbed up on our 3.5 foot tall 4 feet wide windowsill and opened the window, and conveniently the screen slides out too (it's a suicidal death trap (I don't know why I feel the need to point out my humor in double-parenthetical inserts, but that was irony at its finest)). I laid on the majestically massive window sill, listened to the sound of horns and fireworks and just thought.

Here's the part fraught with existential realism. 

Among the 7 billion people on the planet, why am I here right now? What do I have to offer that no one else hasn't already given? And why does my suffering matter, even though people suffer every day in ways I can't even begin to comprehend? I know we need to live to learn to serve others and ultimately live in God's presence, but is the ultimate goal truly happiness?

And why, of all the people in the world, including billions of people that are more generous, more hopeful, more intelligent than I, does my happiness matter.

It's not that I was doubting my origin, existence, or future, I just began to doubt whether I would really be making a difference. But then I thought of the quote from LOTR, which I will now quote from memory because Google is BLOCKED here (and you all know, there's a cuss of a lot of things to Google).

It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing. This shadow, even the darkness, must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it'll shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something to you even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. It's because they were holding onto something. That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for.

I know I've used that quote several times in my life, but it means something new every time. This time, it means that even though the future looks bleak sometimes, even though I am sequestered in this un-airconditioned apartment on the third floor and cannot leave without walking to the school to ask someone in authority, even though I feel inadequate to change the lives of my students, it will all work out. And it will work out because I know that, and I'm paraphrasing President Uchtdorf (I miss you Google), you cannot suffer forever. No matter what you encounter, there will always be a pocket of joy packed into your day. There will always be a crack of light that dispels the darkness. And someday, this will all be over and we can experience pure and unending happiness.

And as I looked at the full moon and fell asleep for about an hour looking out the window, I realized that it doesn't matter if a single person is grateful that I am alive (I know at least my family is, don't fret, I'm not crazy) because God cares about me enough to allow me to be here--to simply be living. And the more I develop a seamless friendship with my Heavenly Father, the more I know that He truly does want me to happy.

And this is the great paradox of man. Compared to God, we are nothing. But in God's eyes, we are everything. (Pres. Uchtdorf)

So happy Sunday. CTR, kids.